Happy 22nd Birthday little buddy!!!

Remember when you were 3 or 4 and I was about 7 or 8 and I pushed you down the stairs? Your crumpled body lie at the end of the stairway for about 20 seconds. God, I wanted you dead. You stole my thunder as an only child. Yeah, yeah, we had a baby sister by then, but that did nothing to quell the bloodlust that was so deeply seeded in my soul I thought it would never completely fade. Well, I'm glad you survived that particular attack(and subsequent others) and made it to 22. You are my best friend, wonder twin and one of the funniest people I know. Your birthday party was super rad. Enjoy your car payments and happy Ipod-ing(sometime by the end of the week, promise.)

Sorry we didn't get you a giant birthday card, don't cry. I'll probably bring you home a birthday card that has nothing to do with a birthday. Like, "Congrats on the new baby", "Missing you Grandson!", or my particular favorite "With deepest sympathy....". You know me.

Love,

Amber

Engaging.

There was a conversation about this last night.

People should educate themselves. And women in general suck, are soul-sucking, or will just suck your dick.

Oh my god!!

I had creepy, candlelit shower time this morning in the new apartment! Rad. So rad in fact, that it made me late for work. It was like showering in a haunted house! I'm pretty sure a ghost touched my vagina.

And completely off topic, sometimes when I type the word "bonus" onto my spreadsheet at work I accidentally type "bonis" instead. That shit makes me laugh every single time. Trust me, I just did it. Its like a combination of two of my favorite words. Deep down inside, I'm really just perverted a 13 year-old boy.

I don't get it

2 people in the last month have said I am a dead ringer for Winona Ryder. First of all, is this even a compliment? And second, I'm just not buying it...not with this Jew nose. I just find it odd, I mean, I don't even have a giant rack.

ha, this one's good, booze and cigarette in hand....TWINSIES!

But whatever, at least people aren't still saying I look like Jamie Lee Curtis, like when I was 16. This is offensive, she is a known hermaphrodite. And is a "handsome" woman at best. What a teenage confidence booster, you know what I mean?

You know what my problem is?

I never got the chance to violate a man who was saving himself for marriage or Jesus or whatever the fuck you want to call that. I think this would have been a good anecdote for me to recount as a withered old hag, or at least a hilarious story to tell people about how my magic pussy made someone forsake the lord.

But you know what is way better??

Letting the godless cop a feel:

I love my werewolf.

Hurricane Ike

Flood waters caused caskets in a cemetary to resurface. This fascinates me to no end.

Look!

"You are the coldest woman I've ever been with"

I'm not just realizing this but nobody in my family ever tells me they love me. This eats at me sometimes but I still think its kind of funny. And weird. I'm always afraid people cringe when I say it to them, too.

This is the first time I've never made any kind of comment about this. It feels good. But it makes me really sad at the same time.

Boo fucking hoo, I guess.

The horror!

This morning when I looked in the mirror I decided that while I grow my eyebrows back I'm looking more and more like a fucking sasquatch. Sigh.....



Yesterday I learned that Crocs can get stuck to the metal on escalators and rip people's toes/feet off. This is the best news I've heard all week! Children or not, I squealed in delight. I can't think of any other fashion(?) accessory that makes me want to douse someone in gasoline and set them on fire. I refuse to make eye contact with anybody who is wearing a pair because in the second that I see you have them on you are pretty much dead to me. I've already convinced myself that you don't have anything remotely interesting or intelligent to say. They makes your ass look enormous, especially dudes. And stop trying to tell me they are comfortable, I don't give a fuck. It's no excuse.

via email

Bryan: hahahha...no i was writing you but then on the right it says stationery and i had to put one up...this one fits you its called gothic rose...

Me: Well, I mean, spiders are now living in my car so yeah, pretty much.

Imagine my blood-curdling scream

Hey Bryan, thanks for leaving my window down two nights ago, because when I got in my car this morning a huge spider had made a giant web that stretched from passenger side to my seat. And the worst part about this was how I found out it was in the car. When I blindly reached into the back seat to get my sweater I stuck my arm in the web and the spider stuck to my forearm and dropped into my crotch. Awesome. I tried to find a picture of it to post but I got too creeped out.

Anyways, my weekend playlist will include:

If they're all saints then I'm a liar

Are things as they appear or am I just fucking crazy?

Deathray

Best thing I saw today.

Some shit I'm feeling.

The ads for Choke have got me pretty excited. Found my copy of the book last week in my closet, so I may re-read it so I can complain about the movie, kind of like I did with American Psycho.

Oh yeah, I've decided to get a MacBook. Jealous?

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It took me a couple of episodes to get into it, but the shit is hilarious. And I'm pretty sure this clip sealed the deal for me.

New BFF

Best pregame drink ever invented. I got tore up, but was not sloppy drunk and was actually pretty focused for the rest of the evening(believe it or not). It enabled me to drink all night and not even realize I was tired until I woke up Saturday morning and wondered why Charlie hadn't started An American Werewolf in London only to realize it was the a.m. and the DVD had finished and was at the title menu. Will drink again.

funny because it's true

From http://ffffound.com/

Lying

I've decided this is pretty much the worst thing anyone could possibly do to me. Total mind fuck. No particular reason for posting this, I was just thinking about it. I'm fragile I suppose.

Also, gross strippers who do private parties, you make the world go 'round. Thanks for making my Wednesday night a little more entertaining.

Dear Seasonale,

I hate you and I've decided to fire you. You're done fucking my world up.

Love,

Amber

Hey, guess what?

Your children. Not remotely interesting WHATSOEVER.

getting my read on

These are my next two literary endeavors.

end of summer

In typical Amber fashion, I swam for the first time on the official last day of summer. Charlie and I originally wanted a pool to swim in because its a little less gross for both of us. This plan fell through and we dragged our asses to 81st street. We made a quick stop at Target for zebra towels and a pair of swimming trunks at least one size too big. I generally loathe the beach and my brother even remarked that it was odd that I was even swimming there when I called to invite him out. We had a fucking blast and my pale ass even got a little sun. I even mastered the art of swimming without losing my sunglasses so the sun didn't burn my retinas. I've decided I would take it easy on the beach shit-talk from now on and I might even go back(gasp!).

On another note, I finally got to check out Halloween Planet, which I have stalkerishly(real word) driven by at least once a week for the last month and a half. I wasn't super impressed, although I'm not exactly sure what I expected. Their severed limbs were a bit pricey so I decided against buying any there. But I did pick up a good sized bottle of blood, a mustache for Charlie's disguse and a pair of black fence net thigh high tights. Knowing me I'll probably go back at least once or twice more and now I'm even more excited about the impending fall season.